December 14, 2014
Is every adult in Hoenn insane or retarded? Because that’s how things are starting to feel around here.
I woke up in Slateport and tried to head north, but a sudden clamor to my left drew my attention. A half-naked chick name Lisia and her Altaria stood outside a building as onlookers fawned at their beauty. I peered on, disgusted, when she surprised everyone by scouting me as her next Pokémon contest protege. Reluctantly, I followed her inside the building.
In the dressing room, she explained how she had faith in me. She dressed me in special costume (which was weird, considering I’m 10 and had to strip to my underwear to get this thing on) and told me to go out there and win a contest. I entered Ralts in a “cleverness” contest and tried to wow a bunch of delusional Pokémon fanatics with her “clever” moves, but I ended up losing to a freaking Shroomish or something. Figures.
As I left the contest hall, ready to continue my adventure, a woman gave me a Pikachu dressed in a leather jacket. I was dumbfounded. She told me to try another contest, so I did. This Pikachu floored the crowd, and I ended up winning. Lisia congratulated me and told me I’d be a Pokémon contest star. No thanks, lady. I like battling. I left her behind and continued north toward Mauville.
Along the way, I caught tons of great Pokémon, including my favorite: Oddish. I named him Hash. Get it? He’s the weed Pokémon. That’s clever, right? Along the path, I spotted some more Team Magma douches (these guys are everywhere) who mentioned something about Mount Chimney before scurrying off. Up ahead, a found a home with a sign proclaiming it the “Trick House,” and inside I met yet another nutjob.
I spotted this balding freak underneath a table. He called himself the “Trick Master.” Following his directions, I navigated through his home, which was somehow filled with trees and foolish children who’d gotten trapped trying to escape. Creepy. I made it through the maze, and the Trick Master gave me the TM Taunt for my trouble. I couldn’t get away from that place fast enough.
Beyond the house was Cycle Road, but, because I didn’t have a bike, I had to take the low road, which was filled with tall grass. I battled wild Pokémon and trainers alike until I came upon…her.
May stood in the middle of the path, the golden sunlight radiating her alabaster flesh and chestnut-brown hair. She smiled at me and waved me over. She spoke to me about Pokémon natures and her and her dad’s research before asking me for a battle. I obliged. I wish I could say she won, but her paltry Slugma, Wailmer, and Grovyle were no match for my team, and I wasn’t about to hold back to give her a false victory. She thanked me for the fight and left, leaving me burning with desire. Some day…
Eventually I made it to Mauville, which seems like a huge, underground city. A bike shop owner gave me a bike, free of charge, and I cruised around until I found Wally and his uncle outside the city’s gym. His uncle was discouraging Wally from taking the gym on, saying he wasn’t ready, but Wally was determined, insisting that the Ralts I’d help him catch was strong. They spotted me, and Wally demanded a battle to prove his strength to his uncle.
Sadly, I whooped his butt.
Wally hung his head and decided it was time to return home. Thanks to me, his Pokémon journey was over for now. He mumbled something about asking me to be his rival before scurrying off. His uncle thanked me for helping him catch Wally’s Ralts (and show him he’s not ready for the next gym) before following after his nephew.
To recap, Lisia is a half-naked psycho who wants to turn Pokémon into fashion models, the Trick Master is a pedophile with too much time on his hands, and Wally is some pathetic, sickly kid whom everyone pities, and I encountered them all in just a few hours. I swear, May and I are the only normal ones around here.
Marshtomp (Mudbuns) – Level 25
Golbat (Poptart) – Level 23
Electrike (Raiden) – Level 23
Metang – Level 22
Mightyena (Lady) – Level 22
Ralts (Feels) – Level 22
Time Logged: 15:00
Gym Badges: 2
Current Location: Mauville City
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